40+ Reasons Why Exes Come Back When You've Moved On

There may come a time when you’ve moved on from your ex, only for them to come back into your life. It can be confusing and frustrating when this happens, and your resounding question is, “Why?”

“Does he still have feelings for me?”“Is she jealous of who I’m dating now?”“Maybe he’s just seeking attention.”

According to experts, there are a few key reasons why exes come back when you’ve already moved on.

Read on to find out what they are and how you can deal with them:

Christy Piper

Coach and Speaker | Author, “Girl, You Deserve More“

It depends on the person and their intention. But as time goes by, the good memories stand out, and the bad ones fade, especially when a person is single and lonely.

Even if the ex was not a good match for them, some people would rather be with someone than be lonely.

Now the person misses you and realizes their mistake.

They genuinely want to fix things and try again. But they don’t realize the time limit has already expired.

Your ex may even have a lot of potential dates competing for their attention. But they can’t get their mind off you. They think you could’ve been the one, or at least they think you’re really good for them. And it’s worth it for them to try again.

Maybe they aren’t attracted enough to you to keep you as their exclusive partner. But you gave them a lot of love and attention. Who wouldn’t miss that?

This can involve them dumping their emotions on you, especially if they have done this before and you are a great listener.

If you reassure them, and they don’t help you through your issues as much or ask about your day, they are likely using you as a free therapist. And they want to keep things the same way.

They haven’t had sex in a while. They are looking for a release. They think you may be willing again because you’ve been with them before.

Just because your ex is willing to have sex with you again doesn’t mean they still want or love you. It doesn’t mean they want to be in a relationship with you again.

Related: 30+ Signs She Doesn’t Love You Anymore

Be careful about starting any type of sexual relationship up if you do get back together. If you wait, you’ll see their true intention and if they’re willing to stay.

Maybe your ex just wants to see if you already have a new partner. In their mind, this may confirm some things.

For example:

Either way, it’s best not to reveal too much personal information so quickly, especially if you don’t know their intentions. They don’t deserve to know personal information about you just for curiosity’s sake, so feel free to not answer their prying questions.

They’ve tried to date other people without any luck, or maybe the people they dated weren’t as good as you. So now they’re just going back to the best they can get — you.

If you’re not sure, does it matter? If you’ve already truly moved on, there’s no reason to worry about it.

If the person comes back, be polite, no matter how it ended. You want to be a person who gives grace. Besides, arguing at this point doesn’t serve any purpose.

If you want more information about how to have a healthier relationship in the future, read some books on the topic.

Related: 20 Best Relationship Books

You can also hire a relationship coach to help you determine which relationships are worth it and how to find a healthier relationship in the future.

Talia Bombola

Certified Psychodynamic LMFT | Licensed Psychotherapist | Confidence and Assertiveness Specialist

So why is it that once you’ve moved on, your ex comes back? It seems like they received a notification internally “Your ex, insert name here, is over you, would you like to change that?”

Let’s dive into why that happens.

If you’re still following each other on social media or connected somehow via a friend group, exes may come back once you’ve moved on because they see a typically happier version of you they would want to be with or used to be with.

It’s comfortable to be with someone you are used to. It doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for either one of you.

They see that you are happy and living your life, and they want to be near you again.

You are embodying the carefree, happy person you were before the relationship turned sour and ended. They are getting a glimpse into what was, and they want to test to see if you’ll say yes to them again.

Sometimes they’re jealous of the new life you’re living, especially if you have someone new you’re dating.

They could be lonely and want to reach out to you, their ex, who is someone they are familiar with and has already said yes to them.

You wouldn’t follow up with a company that didn’t hire you for a job months after you’ve already had a new job. The same logic applies to exes. 

Other reasons exes come back could be that they finally realized they wanted to be with you, and it took them time to do so. You weren’t on the same timeline when you were dating, and your absence made them realize something inside that they wanted to be with you.

The energy of this experience is much different than the aforementioned energy. This energy is often well thought out and intentional, with self-reflection evident and a plan for how things will be different moving forward.

There is a willingness to do things differently this time and an awareness of what went wrong previously.

You can benefit from asking yourself:

“What am I making it mean that they’re coming back?”“Do I need stronger boundaries around this person and our communication?”“Why are they coming back, and what do they want?”

Rachel Eddins

Licensed Therapist and Executive Director, Eddins Counseling

When you build a connection with someone for a long period of time, it can be tough for some partners to let go once you end the relationship.

Related: How to Let Go of Someone You Love and Move on

Even if you have moved on, they can be triggered by something (a tragic event or memory) that makes them want to come back to you in search of familiar support.

It can happen too that they might try dating again or enter a new relationship, but they feel that the connection they have with this new person is not quite the same.

This can make them feel as though they need to be with you again, but it could also be that they simply want the comfort they are used to.

It can also be that they are not ready to move on and want to try and rekindle the relationship.

Even if the ex is the person who broke up the relationship, it can be that people change or grow up, and they find that they might have made a mistake or they were not ready for a relationship at that time in their life.

They might be trying to reconnect with you in the hopes that you will give them another chance.

Some people are not great at moving on and might try to sneak their way back into your life by always:

Whatever the reason your ex might come back into your life, it is important to consider what is best for you, not them.

A breakup can happen for a variety of reasons, and a person could or could not have changed. Always think about what is best for you first before possibly letting someone back into your life.

Related: Should You Get Back Together with Your Ex?

Zahara Williams, LCSW-S

Speaker and Consultant, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

The relationship ended. It was painful.

You’ve had what seems like a million questions going through your mind. Did you miss the signs? What changed? Time has passed, and you have started to heal, to regain a sense of normalcy.

You pick up your phone and see a notification. You freeze, experiencing a mix of curiosity, uncertainty, frustration, and disbelief.

You pause — is that a sense of hope you detect or remnants of old feelings rising to the surface? Could it be that you misinterpreted an interlude for the end? The questions are constant, and emotions are wavering.

Your ex is back, and you are unsure of how or even if you should respond.

Like with many things in life, relationships and emotions have an ebb and flow to them. What seems like the end may be the beginning of something new, and that which is new and thriving may be a temporary detour.

When a relationship has dissolved, time and space provide an opportunity for a more objective assessment or reflection of what was.

The “return” of an ex may stem from a multitude of reasons:

It could be because:

The time apart may have been necessary for your former ex to gain clarity about what they truly need and desire.

In some instances, the separation serves as an opportunity to work on some “fractured” parts of self. Or, just maybe, they realized how valuable the connection was.

It’s important to note that there is no one explanation behind the “why.” To even presume such is a lofty goal. This is when knowing who you are and what you need in this season of your life serves as a key element in deciphering the intricacies of human connection.

While one can always look at past behaviors as an indicator, however, it is not a definitive predictor of the future.

There are those that go on a journey of evolution, and those that remain stagnant, paralyzed by fear, self-doubt, or a twinge of stubbornness.There are also those that return, exhibiting the best version of themselves, which feels like everything you ever hoped for.

Yet the question of sustainability and authenticity lingers. Only time will tell. The beauty of it, although sometimes overwhelming, is that you have the autonomy to choose what role, if any, you want them to serve in your life.

For those seeking reconciliation, be clear about the space you are coming from.

For those considering if you should be open, trust your instinct.

Consider past patterns, but also be mindful that they are not a 100% predictor of possibilities. Be aware of your needs and know that someone desiring you is just a minuscule portion of what it takes to develop and sustain a healthy connection.

Is what they are offering in alignment with where you are at this juncture in your life?

Sharmin Prince, MSOL, CPC, Msc, CTP

Founder | Advocate | Coach | Author, “30 Morning Musings: Self-Love Journal“

Relationships, especially those that were once serious, can leave a lot of emotional baggage behind when they come to an end. A lot of people might wonder why their ex keeps popping back up in their life, even after they have seemingly moved on.

There can be a lot of reasons why an ex might come back after a breakup, and often it’s not about love or anything romantic.

Sometimes an ex might come back because they need something from the other person. This could be anything from assistance with a problem they’re having to a need for emotional support.

In some cases, an ex might come back in the hopes of rekindling the relationship. They might believe that things can work out if they just try again.

There are also cases where an ex might come back out of curiosity. They might want to see if the other person has moved on, or they might be interested in getting revenge. Whatever the reason, it’s important to remember that an ex coming back isn’t always a sign that things will work out.

If the relationship ended for a reason, then there’s a good chance that it won’t work out if it starts up again.

If an ex is coming back around, it’s important to figure out why they’re doing it. If it’s something that the other person can’t support or isn’t interested in doing, then it might be best to keep them at a distance.

Emotional impact is the measure of the effect that something has on a person’s emotions. It can be a powerful force capable of causing great change. In many cases, it is the emotions that we experience that drive our behavior and decision-making.

For some people, emotional impact is a very important consideration when making decisions. They may be influenced by their feelings and emotions and may make choices based on how it will make them feel.

This can be a positive thing, as it can lead to people making choices that improve their lives and make them happier. However, it can also lead to people making choices that are not in their best interests or which are harmful to them.

For others, emotional impact is not as important.

Ultimately, emotional impact is a personal thing. It is different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong answer. What is important is that you understand what emotional impact means to you and how it affects the decisions you make.

Although there are many reasons why exes might come back after you have seemingly moved on, there is usually one root cause: the ex still has feelings for you.

Whether these feelings are romantic, nostalgic, or protective, they are enough to make the ex reach out to you again.

If you have moved on and are no longer interested in reconciling with your ex, it is best to be firm in your rejection. This will help ensure that the ex doesn’t continue to bother you and that you can continue to move on with your life.

Related: How to Tell Someone You’re Not Interested in a Relationship

Gisela Matthews

Breakup Therapist and Psychotherapist, Breakup Therapy

Each individual has their own experiences, perceptions, and a particular set of circumstances going on, but we all also have common behaviors that can be harmful, preventing someone from commencing the breakup recovery journey.

And focusing on an ex-partner instead of self-reinvention can detrimentally generate this — sometimes fictitious — desire to get back together.

Very briefly, there can be several reasons for someone wanting to get back together when the other has moved on.

I have gathered some potential reasons for this to happen, and these are tough to deal with:

Especially when they seem to have no difficulty getting on with their lives and you are the one struggling to get over the other person.

Related: How to Get Over an Ex You Still Love

Plus, seeing the other person moving on may trigger nostalgia (all the best moments of the experience are augmented, while the least favorite ones are ignored or less emphasized).

You might think that all these good qualities and experiences are being shared or will be shared with someone else, not you — you are the one missing out — and this, in turn, leads to some people wanting to give it another try.

Another reason includes obsessive feelings, leading to obsessive behaviors like stalking, for example. Even though less common, these behaviors aren’t free from its dangers.

A person that develops obsessive feelings for another is someone who refuses to let go of the relationship and the ex (note that obsessive feelings aren’t the same as love).

Therefore, these feelings don’t include what’s best for the other person but for the obsessive instead; it is the insatiable need to be with the other, and the majority of times, this involves some form of control issues.

For the obsessive person, seeing the other moving on may represent loss of control and perhaps the last chance to get them back.

Pure jealousy is a common one.

Sometimes, even if there aren’t any residual romantic feelings for the other, just seeing someone you have shared your life with moving on with theirs can:

And instead of feeling happy for them (that they are moving on with their lives), the jealous ex feels unhappy or even angry.

These feelings can sometimes be interpreted as residual feelings because they still have an interest in the other person.

Because of this misinterpretation, some desire to get back together based on jealousy and not love.

I will end with one of the most common reasons why an ex wants to get back together after the other party has moved on — the one I mentioned in the beginning — too much focus on the other person instead of on the self!

Breakups are challenging life events, and one of the healthiest things one can do is to reconnect with oneself to get on the path of recovery — doing more of what makes us happy by rediscovering our own wants, needs, and desires as newly single people.

When we don’t do this, we are stuck in the past and stuck with feeling, thinking, and focusing our energy on the other person. Some even develop a state of denial, as if the breakup is not definite or is somehow not even happening. That makes it incredibly difficult to move on.

Related: How to Let Go of the Past and Move On

Seeing the other party doing so generates an urgent reaction of contact, and some even insist on getting back together.

Dr. Renetta Weaver, LCSW

Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Neuroscience Coach

I know it can be confusing to make sense of why he suddenly wants to be with you after you’ve finally moved on.

At times we are all guilty of taking the people in our life for granted and don’t miss what we have until it’s gone. Neuroscience teaches us that we are stimulated by novelty. So when our relationship is new, it’s exciting, but over time, we simply get used to the relationship and get bored.

That is because patterns with our partners have developed habits and routines that we don’t have to think about.

When he no longer has to think about you because he knows what to expect from you, he becomes desensitized. As I mentioned earlier, we all do it.

The remedy for this is to keep his attention by switching it.

After all, these are probably some of the things you’ll end up doing if you move on.

These things will keep him woke and appreciate things about you that he’s never seen before.

It might be too late for your ex, but this might be helpful for your next. But most of all, it will be beneficial to you too because self-appreciation matters, too.

If you ever find yourself asking that “why,” remember this simple formula:

Paige Harley MA, M-HYI

Supreme Court Listed Mediator | Traumatic Stress Certified | Divorce Transition Specialist 

I frequently hear about exes coming back or trying to—especially when the other has moved on.

One reason people likely come back is that, the truth is, dating is not as glamorous as they thought, and the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

Until you get into the dating pool, you don’t realize that the dating pool isn’t a bunch of models sitting around sipping martinis while taking fancy vacations. It looks a lot more like weary travels after a red-eye transatlantic flight with lots of bags, some of which may have opened in flight.

As a divorce mediator who hears lots of stories, I also hear a common realization: “It wasn’t as I imagined it would be.” The grass isn’t always greener, and reality sets in.

These dreamers realize there is something valuable about shared memories, doing day-to-day life with someone, about accepting someone for their imperfections as they accept you.

They start thinking things like:

These questions aren’t wrong or right, but they are important. They drive the person willing to stop and consider why they are now wanting to reconnect with an ex to contemplate if this is a good choice.

I know you think you are a catch, and of course, they should want you back, but you may be just as toxic to them as they are to you.

So, whether out of fear of being alone or watching you move on or some other reason, I hope the pursuiter has really thought about their choice. And if you find your ex is trying to reconnect with you, you have the opportunity to decide if you want to consider starting again.

Maybe it’s a resounding “No,” but I encourage you to think about the possibilities and hear them out without quickly saying “Heck no.”

You can say that at any point, but the practice of checking in with yourself and pausing to consider what is best for you is a great skill, and the more you do it, the better at it you will become.

One final thought, if someone tries to reconnect with you and it’s not something you want, be kind and clear. Maybe even leave them with a bit of encouragement as they move forward to find someone new.

Can’t we all use a little more kindness?

Doreen Blake

Author | Inspirational Speaker | Spiritual Teacher | Wellness Consultant

It can be challenging to break that special bond that forms when two people intimately mesh together. It almost becomes ingrained and intertwined with you. So no matter who does the breaking up, even if amicable, emotions and feelings are involved.

There are many reasons why an ex may return, and being aware of some of them may help you decide to keep on track regarding having moved on.

Your ex may come back:

Something is endearing about seeing another person do well and being drawn by that, coupled with remembering that spark that drew you close in the first place.

Subconsciously thinking about your ex may keep you on their radar and vice versa, therefore maintaining some kind of connection. So how will you know if you have really moved on?

For instance, are you entertaining certain ideas such as:

By not doing so, you stand the chance of any unprocessed emotions subconsciously lingering.

If you are the kind of person that remains friends with your exes, consider how much and what kind of contact you’re all engaging in.

Ultimately, it’s important to remind yourself why you both parted in the first place and be guided by that.

Mary “Mimi” Schultz, MS, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor, Malaty Therapy

When a person breaks up with their ex, of course, they will initially be sad. It is normal for this person to have a period where they take time to mourn over the ex.

During this time of mourning, this person will also be developing a new identity as a single person. While establishing this new identity, the person will take time to re-learn who they are and what they love to do for fun by themselves.

Because this person is re-learning their identity and doing appealing things, they will eventually accept that the relationship has ended, gaining confidence with their new life without their ex.

This person now has plenty of time for self-care, establishing more room for happiness.

As this person is thriving, the ex could now see this person as more appealing. The ex might also recognize that they have lost this person and regret it; therefore, the ex does everything possible to try and get this person back.

Sometimes, one does not realize how good something is until it is gone.

After breaking up with a person, the ex might recognize that they do not like this life without the other person.

Related: What to Do When You Miss Your Ex

Kayla Johnson

Addiction Treatment Specialist, Harmony Healing Center

A common question in every break-up is why exes come back when you’re moving on. It’s a painful reality that sometimes we need to go through the process of letting go and moving on before we can find happiness.

The answer to this question is multifaceted. There are many reasons why exes come back.

It could be that:

It is also possible that your ex has changed a lot and you are now interested in them. They might have gone through some kind of transformation that has made them more appealing to you, or they could just be someone who has matured and learned from their mistakes.

Maybe your ex came back because:

Exes can come back for many reasons, but most of the time, it’s because they have unresolved feelings or emotions from their past relationship.

There is no one answer as to why people come back, and you’ll never know unless they tell you themselves.

Lauren Cook-McKay

Director of Marketing and Content, Divorce Answers

The saying “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone” is true. Your ex may not have seen your value throughout the relationship because they know you would always come back to them.

However, now that you’re no longer there, they can now live through life without your presence and realize how much happier they were with you.

Many exes tend to return when they haven’t found someone as good as you or someone better than you.

This typically entails:

This is when they will miss the time they spent with you because they know you know them already for who they really are.

Perhaps you always made sure that your ex felt important and special all the time.

Most exes tend to come back regardless of whether or not you’ve moved on because they crave a relationship like yours, and they mistakenly thought their next relationship would be the same.

They will crave that sense of validation you gave them once they lost it.

Andrew Ferebee 

 Relationship Expert and Coach, Knowledge for Men

There are a few key reasons why an ex might come back into your life even though you’ve moved on:

This often happens after some time has passed and they’ve had a chance to reflect on the relationship. 

In some cases, an ex may come back because they’re looking for a rebound relationship. 

This usually happens after they’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and they’re not quite ready to be single again. So, they’ll turn to you as a way to ease their way back into the dating world.

Related: Why Do Most Rebound Relationships Fail?

If your ex is bored or feeling lonely, they may come back into your life in hopes of rekindling things. This is often the case if they’re not dating anyone at the moment and feeling a bit lost without you. 

They may reach out to you for some companionship or attention, even if they’re not necessarily interested in getting back together.

Marc J. Shuman 

Founder, Shuman Legal

You weren’t much of a challenge when they believed they could take you back at any time. But once you appear to be beginning to go on, it becomes more difficult. Thus, it gives them the chance to conquer once more, which feeds their ego.

Because of this, many ex-lovers return after a split at the first hint that you’re moving on with your life. It’s their time to make a good impression and convince you that they are still deserving of your attention.

The bitter reality is that we frequently let those we care about the most trample all over us. You can find yourself tolerating things you shouldn’t since you don’t want to lose them. It’s true that love has the power to drive you insane.

It’s likely that once you start to move on and heal from someone, you’re no longer eager to commit to the stuff you may have formerly tolerated. You demonstrate to your ex that you value, respect, and love yourself more by walking away and moving on with your life.

Your ex is drawn to your dignity. When we realize that we can’t always get our whim, we appreciate other people more.

The more assertive your limits are, the more respect your ex may have for you. Because you will be standing up and continuing on, they can now recognize your importance.

Sameera Sullivan

Relationship Expert, Sameera Sullivan Matchmakers

Here’s the thing you should simply learn about your exes. They always come back when they see you thriving.

Why? This has less to do with you and obviously a lot to do with them. They can’t stand the thought of being replaced and you moving on. But it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

When you’re broken up, there’s still a slight possibility of getting back together or what the other person likes to think that you still have feelings for them.

They sometimes feel entitled to you or feel like you belong to them. But that isn’t the case when you have moved on. The thought of them losing control of you makes them reach out and want to get back together.

Simply put, they’re looking for a way to boost their self-esteem, and with all the nostalgia kicking in, they want to come back to you, especially when you’ve moved on.

Leslie Radka

Founder and Hiring Manager, Great People Search

Once you’ve moved on, your ex may realize they’re no longer in charge.

If you’ve moved on, they may feel out of control of you and the situation. Instead of accepting defeat and walking away, they return to you.

Unfortunately, this makes them desperate and angry. Control might be a driving element if your ex is narcissistic.

Some nasty emotions may impact others.

Whether we desire someone or not, we don’t enjoy seeing them with someone else. It provokes fear. If you’re dating other individuals or have a new relationship after a breakup, your ex will be upset.

“That’s mine, not yours” is a common thought. It’s like a youngster who won’t share his toys. Your ex feels entitled to you since they came first. Nothing makes an ex want you back like the green-eyed monster.

Your ex may have realized the grass isn’t greener elsewhere. Maybe they didn’t realize they’d miss you. They thought being single would be fine, but it sucked.

If they felt confined by the partnership, they may have hoped for a solo existence. They may have expected nonstop parties, unlimited pleasure, and new love alternatives.

Finding love isn’t always simple. Singles face dating apps, one-night hookups, and rejection. It’s different from relationship problems but not easier.

Your ex may miss being a pair once they realize they weren’t missing out.

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